The Path During a Pandemic

During this long period of isolation, I've had quite a bit of time to reflect on my activities in the SCA and a life in harness.  At the beginning of this year I had the goal to really try and dedicate myself to putting on my armor and fighting every chance I could, for as long as I physically could (my body has limitations due to old injuries).  In part this goal was set to prove to my knight that I am a fighter and I have a desire to earn my place as his squire (I'm still man at arms, it will be 2 years in July). This goal to earn my red belt was at the back of my mind and when the pandemic struck and social distancing and isolation saw all major events cancelled I realized that maybe this desire to "earn my red belt" wasn't right nor proper.

I've long struggled with depression and anxiety and have often placed my own view of self-worth and value in the hands of others.  I look for acceptance and approval in others.  Fighting hasn't been much different in that regards as I look for the approval of my knight, but not just him, but also of those in the fighting community.  I want to be viewed as a fighter, a formidable opponent. Often I feel like a human pell, but I was finally getting to a place before the pandemic that I was actually creating fights for my opponents where they had to work more.

Anyways, as I've spent my down time thinking more about my journey in harness, I realize that earning my red belt isn't just about proving my ability to fight.  It is about proving my commitment to this life in harness, about my commitment to serving my knight and his house.  It is an outward sign of my commitment to continue to shed blood, sweat and tears in pursuit of an honorable life in and out of harness. Do I want to earn a red belt? Absolutely, but not as a sign or token of some outward level of fighting competence, but more to show that I am committed to the continued goal of improving myself, of walking the path, of service in fealty to my knight and the crown. 

I have been fighting for 3.5 years now, and not once has quitting ever crossed my mind.  I have dealt with injuries, mostly older flair ups, but all of which have slowed me down, but never stopped me.  My path may be longer than some others.  I may have to stop alongside the road and rest more often, waiting for my back and hip pain to subside, but I know without a doubt that this is the path I want.  Even if it takes me another 5 years to prove that I am worthy to wear the red belt and swear my oath to my knight, I will continue to work towards that.  I know most others are man at arms for a year and a day prior to making the commitment to become a squire, and that may be the right path for them.  For me, I am grateful for my knight, for his commitment to me, even if I am only just his man at arms.  For now, I am grateful for my opportunity to serve, and when he sees fit to allow me to swear my oath to him, I will gladly do so, as I can think of no other peer I would rather serve.

YIS,
Torstein Hartviksson